In an Amazon shopping spree, I picked up a new book about a week ago, "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts" by Gary Chapman. One of my friends had mentioned the book to me a good 4 or 5 years ago and I'd meant to pick it up ever since.
Reading through the first 40 pages or so, I was surprised at what I had read. Chapman shares that the first two years of a relationship are the "in-love," or obsession stage. He sites a vast amount of research which shows that people do not act in their sane mind during those first two years of a relationship. Each person will be hyper-focused on their new love, try to spend as much time as possible around each other, and basically do anything they can possibly think of for the other person.
This is what has led to the common perception of what love should be like. Movies, books, television shows, pictures with quotes posted over them all over the internet - they're built on this ideal of romance.
However, as Chapman points out, and I'm sure more people than just me have realized, it's only a temporary state of mind. After two years (sometimes longer, in the case of secret relationships, says Chapman), a person starts returning to normal.
They start to notice the things their friends and family have pointed out about their significant other.
They start to be annoyed more often with their mate, and they often start wishing things would go back to the way they were in the beginning of their relationship. It may even get to the point where there are fights over wanting things to go back to the way they were.
This is unrealistic because the only way things work perfectly in the beginning is because we are stuck in a state of psychological euphoria. "Oh, I know he doesn't shave everyday, his stubble is cute," and "Save the vacuuming for tomorrow, let's spend more time together," turns into "Ugh, I just wish he'd care about his appearance," and "I don't understand why she can't vacuum and move on with her day."
The book says all hope is not lost for relationships because real love can be built after the in-love stage is over. Real love doesn't just happen, it's something people have to work towards. It's realizing that life is not perfect (because we're no longer delusionally happy) and that to stay in a loving relationship you have to make an effort to make sure the one you're with is happy. Hopefully, that person will return the favor. The idea here is to do things for the other person to make them happy because you find fulfillment and happiness in making them happy - not because you'll get anything in return.
My point in sharing this is that it was a real eye-opener to me. I've been in a handful of long term relationships which hit and passed the 2 year mark. The break ups were always bad. I couldn't figure out how things could go from being "perfect" to each of us constantly being irritated or upset with the other. Looking back on these relationships, or even my current relationship, it's accurate that around the 2 year mark, things started losing the love-struck haze of absolute happiness and becoming high-definition real.
The two things I learned so far:
1. It's how you deal with reality once the haze wears off that is important.
2. Never, ever make long term decisions within that initial 2 year period.
